Here I am picking up the phone to dial my boyfriend Greg. Yes, I had to do this I told myself. It has been too long and we haven’t moved to the next level yet. Is that being selfish? Is it what I really want? Wanting to be married….Heck, yes that is what I want but the question to ask is, what is taking him so long?  Here I thought that I had it all. A nice 6 foot 4 framed, light caramel colored, educated, working (full time I might add) man. He had a killer smile and many, MANY women stated that he resembled Will Smith. He was God fearing, loved his mother, and had a knack for getting what he wanted accept for me, or at least I thought so. Maybe he didn’t want me? All the more reason to finish making this call. “Hello? Greg? Hi, its Rebecca, are you busy?” “No, what’s up?” “I wanted to talk to you about our relationship. I feel that it is not moving in the right direction. I understand that you have things to do and people to see, or so that is what you told me when we first started dating.  I love you but I see that you really meant what you said back then so…I guess what I am trying to say is….I think our relationship is over.” “WHAT!!! Okay if that is what you want then fine!” Then all I heard was a slam in my ear as if he were trying to physically hurt me with those cell phone waves through the phone. Wow that was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do but in a way I guess I am grateful because who wants to be in the old maids club because you’re your boyfriend decided he wanted to hold your hand all the way to the grave.  Ten minutes passed and all of a sudden there is a loud knock at the door.  Then an even louder one, I scream that I am coming to the door to answer it but whoever was on the other side of the door wanted to desperately get in regardless of my stride to get to the door. As I opened the door, a hand pushes to get in with great force. I guess I was taking too long. “Greg, what are you doing here? I though…” “Look since you want to get this over with, I need the necklace back that I bought you. You won’t be needing it so...” I am thinking in the back of my mind, “Are you crazy? Is this like, first grade or what?” “Okay Greg, here is your necklace.” As I take off the necklace I start thinking about all the negatives to this relationship. Though he is a good looking man, at 24 he still lives at home with his mother, every moment that he was not with me or at work he plays video games all day with his brother, and he never really wanted to go anywhere (except to eat and come home to screw).  As I snapped back into reality, I handed him the necklace and closed the door. It was painful but at the same time exciting because I had endured some unnecessary pain during our relationship.

I will admit that I allowed a lot of things to go on in our relationship and I know that it was due to lack of self esteem and unresolved issues from a traumatic rape but I was the type that you never saw sweat. I was always quiet and took whatever was dealt to me. If I was hurt, upset, or angry, you would never have seen it.  I guess it was due to my belief at a young age which I feel can be detrimental to a young person if not explained accordingly. You see, I was instilled with this notion that God is vengeful and that he fights all of our battles. I was often told to turn the other cheek and that things would work out. I even heard a preacher say once..."why would you want to break someone’s leg when God might want to kill them". Now I know you might be saying, come on now Rebecca, you could not possibly expect us to believe that you waited on God to handle ALL of your issues… In my defense let me say this….YES, I did. I felt like he protected me throughout all of my childhood.  That was the right thing to do. When I had been molested as a child I heard people say that God will take care of them and make them pay for it.  When my mother tried to kill herself while my siblings and I were right there in the home with her, my family just gathered around praying for her, while she was being taken to the hospital, saying God is going to intervene. “Don’t you worry little ones” was what I was told, “God has her”. When I was sexually assaulted and I went for counseling on my second visit, the psychiatrist closed the door and asked me if I really believed in God, I said yes, and she stated that, then that was all I needed.  She prayed for me and told me that I didn’t need to come back anymore because I was healed and that God was going to make it all go away. I even let the man that raped me go because I felt that God was going to punish him and who am I to over ride God.  So, yes I believed it! I don’t think there are others who have suffered from this way of thinking but if there is, I just want to say right now! STOP IT! This is not the correct way of thinking. Yes, God takes care of you but he also gives you powerful tools that he works through to be able to get his vengeance. Those tools include your mouth! Speak out! Speak out! I wished that I would have said what I felt just once. I wish I could have just screamed to the rooftops for someone to help me.  I wish I could have gotten angry just one time and let people know that it is not alright. I am hurting! I need help! So I beg of you to let it out. No matter how uncomfortable others may feel around you! This is your life and you need to be able to express yourself and be free! I didn’t and throughout my relationship with Greg there were things that I thought were not fair but I continued on. I had gotten pregnant twice, one was a molar pregnancy which the doctors terminated, and the other was a tubal pregnancy, which my tube ruptured and I almost bled to death. Throughout both of those experiences Greg could not share with his mother what had happened, so every time I had to go to the hospital and it was late he would tell her that we went and caught a late movie and that he would not be home until early morning. I knew that his mother didn’t like me but I think I was more in awe that a 24 year old couldn’t stay out late. What was I thinking? What was I doing? Anyway, off of that. I told you I was getting it all off of my chest!

A couple of hours after Greg had left my home he called to tell me that he was sorry and that he loved me. He told me that he was scared to go to the next level because he had never felt this way before about someone. He asked if we can just give it one more chance. Immediately I saw my life flash before my eyes.  How long would it take to start dating? What if I don’t find anyone that I like? What if no one likes me? I envisioned myself at 60 years old struggling to make ends meet with no husband, no children, and no life.  I promptly said yes, let’s give it one more chance and with that we were a couple again.  A month later, on December 24th we went out to dinner at a very incredible restaurant overlooking the Chicago skyline called “The Signature Room” on the 95th floor of the John Hancock building.  It was a wonderful setting.  You could hear the live music playing as you exit off of the elevator where you are waiting to be seated. The entire restaurant was encased in glass so that you have no excuse not to see the view. The restaurant actually turned as well so that you can take in the experience of one of the most beautiful cities in the United States.  We were with friends this particular evening, another couple, Gina and Ron, and they were just as excited about our dining experience as I  was.  I ordered the sautéed’ Scottish salmon with fingerling potatoes and roasted onions, and when they laid that plate before me It seemed as I inhaled this masterpiece within what seemed like seconds.  After dinner we were going up to the 96th floor to enjoy the view from the lounge and have an after dinner drink but there was going to be a slight wait, so Greg and I decided that we would just walk around the Hancock building while we waited. We went downstairs by the huge Christmas tree, we took in its beauty and Greg turned towards me and was getting ready to say something, when a shrill came from behind the tree. It was a child being pulled by his mom.  He wanted to see the Christmas tree and display and his mom was ready to leave. I guess, he won the argument because there he stood smiling at the tree as if he was giving a demonstration and to say now that is how you get what you want….you fight for it. I think I should have taken the little boy’s stride and fought throughout my life.  Greg and I moved on pass the display and headed back upstairs. We stopped at the 95th floor again because we wanted to make sure that Gina and Ron were not still there waiting to get to the 96th floor. While there, Greg asked me to sit in one of the seats in the hallway as we got off of the elevator. He said that he had been trying to find a perfect place all evening in the Hancock building but every place was packed so he decided that this was the best place to do it. He got down on one knee and pulled out a ring.  He asked me to marry him. WOW! What I have been waiting for all my 26 years on this earth.  I can now rest peacefully at night, encouraged by the fact that my life is now going to be secure.  My eggs can happily rejoice at the anticipation of being aligned with a sperm donor that I know.  I can boast proudly that my day has come. I see myself running through the fields singing the sound of music! I say yes as loud as I can and we engage in a kiss.  The entire restaurant is now clapping in agreement at our soon to be pledge of matrimony. Gina and Ron now run up to us to wish us congratulations as we head up to the lounge on the 96th floor. There we toast the night away until the early morning hours where he drops me off at my home and he retires to his. I lay awake staring at the ceiling. This is what I have been dreaming of right? God has truly blessed me! When will we.....where will we…..? Oh, none of that matters now Rebecca just go to sleep, I tell myself. Let’s think about this in the morning. I clutch my ring as I doze off to sleep. I clutch it because after all this time the prize is before me.

REALITY IS HARD CORE

A month passes and I am frantically planning for us to get married but it seems as though Greg is not into it at all. I chalk it up as that he is not into planning weddings and that he would prefer just showing up for it, which is  all good to me because I am enjoying planning  and putting it all together.  My mother sits me down one evening as I begin to feel sick due to lack of sleep and not eating. She tells me that it would be a wise move to just elope and save the money for a honeymoon or a nice reception. That way there will be enough money to spare where we would not start off the marriage in debt.  I talked to Greg about if and he was all for it. He seemed to be very excited about it until I asked when we should set the date to elope. He just muttered under his breath to pick a date. I decided that we could do it in two weeks and he nodded his head in agreement or at least that is how I took it.  We had gone that next day to get the marriage license and he stated when we got to the courthouse that he didn’t have the money to get the license and if I could get it. As I stood there in front of the registrar’s window, I pulled out my credit card and paid for the license.  I don’t know what went through me but I shook it off and smiled at Greg. He really loves me is what I kept telling myself and I was officially going to be Mrs. Foster in two weeks, so what if this was the worst sacrifice that I had to make right? In a couple of weeks we were going to be putting our money together anyway. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.  Two weeks pass like it were minutes. Here we were getting ready to stand in front of the justice of the peace and say our vows and pledge our love for each other. As we signed our names on the list to be called to see the justice of the peace, the young lady stated that it was going to be $105.00 for the ceremony to be performed.  My left hand was clutched firmly in his as I heard him say….Rebecca, I don’t have any money to get married. If you want to do this you have to pay for it. My grip slowly softened from his. The young lady at the desk stated that they only take cash and I didn’t have that amount of money on me so she directed me to an atm machine a couple of blocks away. Greg stated that he would wait at the court house just in case they called our names. It seemed like that was the longest walk that I have ever taken. I started thinking; I could just run away and go home right now. I can just take the train back and call this whole thing off. But, what about my dream? What about the status of finally being married? What would I tell my family? This is not that bad Rebecca. Other women have endured much more than this. Suck it up, get that money, say I do and go one with living your life with the man you say you love.  “That’s right! Shake it off!”

I returned with the money and our names were called soon after I paid. We enter the judge’s chamber and there an old feeble looking man with silver wisps on either side of his head, extends his hand to welcome us. I am immediately hit in the face with a whiff of what I know to be alcohol. Had he been drinking? Was this a warning sign? Is he telling me that the sacred institution that we are getting ready to embark upon is not even worth being sober for? We continued on with the preliminaries and before you know it we were husband and wife. How great is that? Less than ten minutes and I am now someone else! We arrived at the courthouse very early because we didn’t know how many people were going to be there. I am glad that we did because there was so many people waiting in line when we left the judge’s chambers that I know it would have been pretty much a three or four hour wait had we not. It was 11:30 am and I was ready to celebrate being a newlywed.  My boss gave us a wedding gift in the form of staying at the crown plaza hotel downtown for the weekend. It was a spectacular hotel and I was impressed by its amazing class and elegant appeal.  We walked up and down Michigan Avenue and did a little shopping before we retired at the hotel.  At about 6:00 pm we arrived at our hotel room and it was breath taking. The view was wonderful and I started to become giddy. I hugged Greg and told him that I loved him. He said I love you as well but ended it with an, I am starving. We opted to order room service and I went to take my shower.  As the water rolled off of me I thought about how our lives were going to be together. We had to rearrange the apartment to include things of his. Oh, the answering machine needed to be changed; he needs to fill out a change of address form if he hadn’t already, etc…, etc,…etc….

As I was coming out of the bathroom dinner was being delivered. We ate very fast because we wanted to get to the real festivities… SEX!!!  As we started to kiss and move closer to the bed, he mentioned that he was so happy to finally be married to me and that he loved me.  Now that got me extremely horney! EXTREMELY!  I didn’t know how flexible I was until that night.  If we didn’t know every area of each other’s body, we knew it then. How wonderful it felt to have sex after marriage because it felt legal. I didn't have to sneak around anymore and pretend that I was not doing it. I don’t know about you but that was the role that I had to play.  I felt like the scripture “the two shall become one”. Oh, I felt like we were becoming one. After we made love I laid on Greg’s chest and he kissed my head and stated that he had to get home soon…"WHAT THE HELL???” PEOPLE...., you know when you are watching those movies and you hear the background music playing and all of a sudden someone says something and the music ends abruptly? WELL THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED! “You have to go home? You are married now…..to me?” “I know but I didn’t tell my mom about us getting married and you know how she is. I will come back in the morning after Church and come get you I promise.”  “You Promise? What am I supposed to do while you are gone?” “Just enjoy yourself Rebecca. This is a great hotel room, just enjoy yourself.” When I come to get you tomorrow, then we can start our lives together. I do love you.” Greg scurries out of the bed, gets dressed, gives me a kiss on the lips, and walks right out of the door. I do not understand what I have just gotten into. Is this really happening? No, wait, where are the cameras. Am I being punked??? As I lay there with the sheets over my body, I start thinking about marriage. I just said for better or worse right? I didn’t know they meant right after you actually say the words “I do”. God, what do I do now? Just lay here I suppose. I clutch my ring again but this time not because of the dream coming true ……but because of the nightmare I think that I am having. Can someone please wake me up??????