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Chapter 3- A NEW LIFE, COULD THIS BE?

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 04:30:56 +0100

The next couple of months seemed to run into each other as work became the normal social outlet for me. I was literally the Cathy Chatty at work but at home I was as a deaf mute. You see, Greg lost his job and we were living off of my paycheck and being at home became more uncomfortable and our conversations became few. Greg took temporary jobs here and there and we were very grateful when the money was coming but you could tell that we both knew this was not the way things were supposed to be. Greg became so upset about the situation that he decided to go for a visit to see his cousins in Las Vegas. The last little bit of our savings went towards allowing Greg to try to get some piece of mind, but maybe it would give me a chance to try to piece together mine. In a way looking at it now it was truly a blessing because I had gotten my first real glance at what life could be like without him period. Sure he would call everyday but it was different than seeing and interacting with him. A week had passed since he had been gone and I was actually enjoying spending time with myself. I loved to read and write so I had time to actually stay up late doing both. I would get up and go anywhere I pleased and didn’t have to worry about what time I had to be back. Yes, I was taking great pleasure in not having some of the strain that both Greg and I were feeling. Greg called early on his second Saturday there and he had such a perkiness in his voice. I said “ What is going on Greg, you sound to be in good spirits? Are you enjoying spending time with your cousin Gail?” Greg said “yes, I am but I also have some news to tell you Rebecca. I got a job here within three days. Can you believe it?” I said “I am happy that you got a job but I didn’t know you were looking and for that matter, what about us?” “I am thinking about us, that is why I took the position. So, when do you think that you would be able to move out here? I start on Monday. Isn’t this great? We could start our lives fresh and new!” “I am not sure when I can get out there. Let me plan some things and I will call you later this evening and we can finalize everything. Are you sure this is what you want to do?” “Yes, I am sure. We will have a great life in Vegas. Watch and see. I Love you Rebecca.” I didn’t have the strength to say it back. I just held the phone to my ear until I heard clicks back to back on the other end. I wonder how long I had been holding the phone like that. I don’t even remember hearing him hang up. Here is something else to put on my plate.

Chapter 2 Continued

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:52:58 +0100

The next week we started to put together what was left of what you would call a marriage. We started sitting down to plan our grocery list, what chores or responsibilities each of us would hold, when we would begin starting a family, you know all that stuff. It seemed like we were finally starting to see the light of day, that is, until that next Sunday rolled around. We had decided that since our honeymoon started off on the wrong foot, that we would take the weekend to make up for it. We had a nice dinner on Saturday and decided that we would enjoy time with a couple of our friends on Sunday. So basically the translation was this…..we were not going to Church on Sunday. Our friends Alec and Margarite took Greg and I to a nice festival on the north side of Chicago early Sunday morning. We then went to a see a movie, and then decided to head back to our place before going out to dinner. While we were there entertaining our friends we heard a loud bang at the back door. I assumed that it was maybe one of the neighbor’s doors because the way the homes were so close together you could hear everything going on outside. Then came two more loud thrusts at the door. Who could that be? I wondered. We weren’t expecting anyone. Greg went to see who was at the back door. At that moment all I could hear was yelling and screaming. It was Greg’s aunt Rose and she was yelling at him because he missed Church service. Now here is where I need to give you a little background. Greg’s Church has about all of 20 (maybe 30 if you include the kids) members and the majority of those are family. Greg and his brother play the drums for the Church. They have a musical section that comprises an organ and a drum set. Greg’s other aunt, Betty, is the Pastor. Greg’s mother Regina and his aunt Rose, are the finance and administrative staff. Greg’s cousins are the ushers, the choir director, the choir, the missionaries, the Sunday school teachers….well, you get the point. So anyway, here Aunt Rose is yelling at Greg and calling him a heathen and a whore monger for missing God. The last time I checked God was omnipresent but I guess he had an important appointment on this particular Sunday where he rsvp’d to be only at their Church. She told him that he also had a part of the drum set and the reason that she stopped by was to get it since he was now a married man going to hell in a hand basket. He held his head down and went to retrieve the part that she had come for. I made eye contact with Margarite and Alec and they had looks of embarrassment and pity on their faces. I apologized and tried to explain how their family works but I think it was all in vain. Once aunt Rose left, Margarite said that she wouldn’t have taken that and she would have told her that the only way she was going to hell is if she went there first. Alec patted Greg on the back and told him that it was okay. He said he understood that family can be like that sometimes. I started thinking to myself, then sometimes must come every day.

I looked at Greg and I could tell that this incident had taken a toll on what little was left of his manhood. He smiled at me and said, Rebecca, things will get better, I promise.

FOR BETTER OR WORSE- Chapter 2 - Make it Better

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:19:16 +0100

I awakened the next morning with the sun beaming on me as if to try to slap some sense into me. I quickly got up, took another shower. I guess some of the greatest thoughts and soul searching have come from the shower but this morning there was not a thought on my mind. I was numb! I mean numb! I just stood there and let the water run on me without a thought of if it was too hot or too cold. I didn’t care, I just knew that a shower was needed and it was needed now. I put on my Jet black DKNY jeans and my charcoal grey DKNY sweater. I don’t even care if I match today…Am I even alive today? I fix my hair, put on my shoes, turn on the television and sit on the bed and wait…and wait……and wait. There was a knock at the door after about two hours of sitting there. I get up and walk past the long mirror in the mini hallway before I opened the door. I could have sworn I saw my reflection laughing at me. Even my own shadow was busting a gut at my expense. Greg looked at me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said “Hey, are you ready to go?” I turned and grabbed my bag and purse and surveyed the room one last time before I said an unfamiliar farewell to the place that could have held some very raunchy details but in reality was probably bored out of its mind because of the restless slumber that had been showcased the night before. The drive seemed long although it was only twenty minutes. We stopped at my grandmother’s house because everyone in my family gathers there every Sunday for dinner. When we walked in the door (because on Sunday the door is never locked) my entire family greeted us with congratulations, hug, and kisses. See, I told my family before I left to get married. I thought it was a cause for celebration but I am slowly starting to figure out that not all people share the same feelings on that. Greg and I fixed a plate a shared it. I was so quiet and I was hoping that he would sense it and ask me what was wrong, but I guess that now would not be a good time to just burst out in front of the family that our marriage has started going down the tubes already. After some light conversation, Greg nudged me and stated that we needed to go to his mother’s house to talk to her. I kissed my family goodbye; I grabbed my coat and put it over my arm. I didn’t put it on because I wanted the wind to somehow slap me into a state of frozen time. As we started up the street to his mother’s home I felt my right hand grip the door of the car. “What am I doing?” I tell myself. “I am grown!” So why am I feeling like someone put a huge boulder in my stomach and pushed me off of a bridge into a huge lake to drown. Once we got inside, I could see his mother in the living room sitting in her lime green recliner looking at the television from the side door entrance. As we began to walk toward her, I spot, out of the corner of my eye on the right, his younger brother mike in his room towards the back of the house. He was ironing a shirt for his evening’s festivities. We move past his mother to sit on the couch in front of her. She glances hard at me first and then her eyes shift towards his. We have never gotten along since I started dating Greg. She felt as if I was making him settle down to one woman too quickly. Plus, I was of a different religious denomination as he was. Now here I was in front of her to give her one more thing to put me at the top of her kill list. Greg leans forward to look into his mother’s eyes and says, “Mom, Rebecca and I got married yesterday”. “WHAT??!!!” She says as she gets up from her throne of anger. Fire filled her eyes and quickly after that water filled them. I could see the look on her face she was mad and hurt at the same time. At that moment I hear a loud laugh which could have almost been mistaken for a cough from his brother. “You have done it now bro” said Mike. “You have made it so that nothing that I do from now on could ever compare to the mess you have made, Thanks”. His mother looks at both of us and says, “The damage is done now so we might as well make the best of it”. Greg leans over to me and asks if he can drop me off at home and spend some time with his mother alone. He says that he will spend one last night with his mom and promised me that we will no longer be apart after that. I get up and realize that this was actually happening. This was for real. I say good bye to his mom, while he says to her he will be right back. I get in the car and Greg starts talking about how the conversation didn’t go as bad as he thought it was going to be and how his brother was going to tease him about this for a long time. After a couple of minutes of hearing him talk I totally tuned him out. The sounds coming from him sounded like the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoons. I was trying to focus on what was happening. I was trying to center myself (if that was even possible). What have I gotten myself into? When did loving someone get so complicated? When I got into the house, I didn’t even turn on the lights. I just sat in the living room on the floor. I had never tried meditation but I needed it right now. Everything is going to be okay, is what I tell myself. I guess I had been reading too many romance novels or looked at too many sappy movies. Either way this was definitely not the phase of the night in shining armor riding on his white horse to come and carry me away. I needed something to carry me away alright, and with that my dreams carried me to a euphoric coma like state.

FOR BETTER OR WORSE-Chapter 1 (continued)

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 22:20:01 +0100

Here I am picking up the phone to dial my boyfriend Greg. Yes, I had to do this I told myself. It has been too long and we haven’t moved to the next level yet. Is that being selfish? Is it what I really want? Wanting to be married….Heck, yes that is what I want but the question to ask is, what is taking him so long? Here I thought that I had it all. A nice 6 foot 4 framed, light caramel colored, educated, working (full time I might add) man. He had a killer smile and many, MANY women stated that he resembled Will Smith. He was God fearing, loved his mother, and had a knack for getting what he wanted accept for me, or at least I thought so. Maybe he didn’t want me? All the more reason to finish making this call. “Hello? Greg? Hi, its Rebecca, are you busy?” “No, what’s up?” “I wanted to talk to you about our relationship. I feel that it is not moving in the right direction. I understand that you have things to do and people to see, or so that is what you told me when we first started dating. I love you but I see that you really meant what you said back then so…I guess what I am trying to say is….I think our relationship is over.” “WHAT!!! Okay if that is what you want then fine!” Then all I heard was a slam in my ear as if he were trying to physically hurt me with those cell phone waves through the phone. Wow that was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do but in a way I guess I am grateful because who wants to be in the old maids club because you’re your boyfriend decided he wanted to hold your hand all the way to the grave. Ten minutes passed and all of a sudden there is a loud knock at the door. Then an even louder one, I scream that I am coming to the door to answer it but whoever was on the other side of the door wanted to desperately get in regardless of my stride to get to the door. As I opened the door, a hand pushes to get in with great force. I guess I was taking too long. “Greg, what are you doing here? I though…” “Look since you want to get this over with, I need the necklace back that I bought you. You won’t be needing it so...” I am thinking in the back of my mind, “Are you crazy? Is this like, first grade or what?” “Okay Greg, here is your necklace.” As I take off the necklace I start thinking about all the negatives to this relationship. Though he is a good looking man, at 24 he still lives at home with his mother, every moment that he was not with me or at work he plays video games all day with his brother, and he never really wanted to go anywhere (except to eat and come home to screw). As I snapped back into reality, I handed him the necklace and closed the door. It was painful but at the same time exciting because I had endured some unnecessary pain during our relationship.

I will admit that I allowed a lot of things to go on in our relationship and I know that it was due to lack of self esteem and unresolved issues from a traumatic rape but I was the type that you never saw sweat. I was always quiet and took whatever was dealt to me. If I was hurt, upset, or angry, you would never have seen it. I guess it was due to my belief at a young age which I feel can be detrimental to a young person if not explained accordingly. You see, I was instilled with this notion that God is vengeful and that he fights all of our battles. I was often told to turn the other cheek and that things would work out. I even heard a preacher say once..."why would you want to break someone’s leg when God might want to kill them". Now I know you might be saying, come on now Rebecca, you could not possibly expect us to believe that you waited on God to handle ALL of your issues… In my defense let me say this….YES, I did. I felt like he protected me throughout all of my childhood. That was the right thing to do. When I had been molested as a child I heard people say that God will take care of them and make them pay for it. When my mother tried to kill herself while my siblings and I were right there in the home with her, my family just gathered around praying for her, while she was being taken to the hospital, saying God is going to intervene. “Don’t you worry little ones” was what I was told, “God has her”. When I was sexually assaulted and I went for counseling on my second visit, the psychiatrist closed the door and asked me if I really believed in God, I said yes, and she stated that, then that was all I needed. She prayed for me and told me that I didn’t need to come back anymore because I was healed and that God was going to make it all go away. I even let the man that raped me go because I felt that God was going to punish him and who am I to over ride God. So, yes I believed it! I don’t think there are others who have suffered from this way of thinking but if there is, I just want to say right now! STOP IT! This is not the correct way of thinking. Yes, God takes care of you but he also gives you powerful tools that he works through to be able to get his vengeance. Those tools include your mouth! Speak out! Speak out! I wished that I would have said what I felt just once. I wish I could have just screamed to the rooftops for someone to help me. I wish I could have gotten angry just one time and let people know that it is not alright. I am hurting! I need help! So I beg of you to let it out. No matter how uncomfortable others may feel around you! This is your life and you need to be able to express yourself and be free! I didn’t and throughout my relationship with Greg there were things that I thought were not fair but I continued on. I had gotten pregnant twice, one was a molar pregnancy which the doctors terminated, and the other was a tubal pregnancy, which my tube ruptured and I almost bled to death. Throughout both of those experiences Greg could not share with his mother what had happened, so every time I had to go to the hospital and it was late he would tell her that we went and caught a late movie and that he would not be home until early morning. I knew that his mother didn’t like me but I think I was more in awe that a 24 year old couldn’t stay out late. What was I thinking? What was I doing? Anyway, off of that. I told you I was getting it all off of my chest!

A couple of hours after Greg had left my home he called to tell me that he was sorry and that he loved me. He told me that he was scared to go to the next level because he had never felt this way before about someone. He asked if we can just give it one more chance. Immediately I saw my life flash before my eyes. How long would it take to start dating? What if I don’t find anyone that I like? What if no one likes me? I envisioned myself at 60 years old struggling to make ends meet with no husband, no children, and no life. I promptly said yes, let’s give it one more chance and with that we were a couple again. A month later, on December 24^th we went out to dinner at a very incredible restaurant overlooking the Chicago skyline called “The Signature Room” on the 95^th floor of the John Hancock building. It was a wonderful setting. You could hear the live music playing as you exit off of the elevator where you are waiting to be seated. The entire restaurant was encased in glass so that you have no excuse not to see the view. The restaurant actually turned as well so that you can take in the experience of one of the most beautiful cities in the United States. We were with friends this particular evening, another couple, Gina and Ron, and they were just as excited about our dining experience as I was. I ordered the sautéed’ Scottish salmon with fingerling potatoes and roasted onions, and when they laid that plate before me It seemed as I inhaled this masterpiece within what seemed like seconds. After dinner we were going up to the 96^th floor to enjoy the view from the lounge and have an after dinner drink but there was going to be a slight wait, so Greg and I decided that we would just walk around the Hancock building while we waited. We went downstairs by the huge Christmas tree, we took in its beauty and Greg turned towards me and was getting ready to say something, when a shrill came from behind the tree. It was a child being pulled by his mom. He wanted to see the Christmas tree and display and his mom was ready to leave. I guess, he won the argument because there he stood smiling at the tree as if he was giving a demonstration and to say now that is how you get what you want….you fight for it. I think I should have taken the little boy’s stride and fought throughout my life. Greg and I moved on pass the display and headed back upstairs. We stopped at the 95^th floor again because we wanted to make sure that Gina and Ron were not still there waiting to get to the 96^th floor. While there, Greg asked me to sit in one of the seats in the hallway as we got off of the elevator. He said that he had been trying to find a perfect place all evening in the Hancock building but every place was packed so he decided that this was the best place to do it. He got down on one knee and pulled out a ring. He asked me to marry him. WOW! What I have been waiting for all my 26 years on this earth. I can now rest peacefully at night, encouraged by the fact that my life is now going to be secure. My eggs can happily rejoice at the anticipation of being aligned with a sperm donor that I know. I can boast proudly that my day has come. I see myself running through the fields singing the sound of music! I say yes as loud as I can and we engage in a kiss. The entire restaurant is now clapping in agreement at our soon to be pledge of matrimony. Gina and Ron now run up to us to wish us congratulations as we head up to the lounge on the 96^th floor. There we toast the night away until the early morning hours where he drops me off at my home and he retires to his. I lay awake staring at the ceiling. This is what I have been dreaming of right? God has truly blessed me! When will we.....where will we…..? Oh, none of that matters now Rebecca just go to sleep, I tell myself. Let’s think about this in the morning. I clutch my ring as I doze off to sleep. I clutch it because after all this time the prize is before me.

REALITY IS HARD CORE

A month passes and I am frantically planning for us to get married but it seems as though Greg is not into it at all. I chalk it up as that he is not into planning weddings and that he would prefer just showing up for it, which is all good to me because I am enjoying planning and putting it all together. My mother sits me down one evening as I begin to feel sick due to lack of sleep and not eating. She tells me that it would be a wise move to just elope and save the money for a honeymoon or a nice reception. That way there will be enough money to spare where we would not start off the marriage in debt. I talked to Greg about if and he was all for it. He seemed to be very excited about it until I asked when we should set the date to elope. He just muttered under his breath to pick a date. I decided that we could do it in two weeks and he nodded his head in agreement or at least that is how I took it. We had gone that next day to get the marriage license and he stated when we got to the courthouse that he didn’t have the money to get the license and if I could get it. As I stood there in front of the registrar’s window, I pulled out my credit card and paid for the license. I don’t know what went through me but I shook it off and smiled at Greg. He really loves me is what I kept telling myself and I was officially going to be Mrs. Foster in two weeks, so what if this was the worst sacrifice that I had to make right? In a couple of weeks we were going to be putting our money together anyway. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. Two weeks pass like it were minutes. Here we were getting ready to stand in front of the justice of the peace and say our vows and pledge our love for each other. As we signed our names on the list to be called to see the justice of the peace, the young lady stated that it was going to be $105.00 for the ceremony to be performed. My left hand was clutched firmly in his as I heard him say….Rebecca, I don’t have any money to get married. If you want to do this you have to pay for it. My grip slowly softened from his. The young lady at the desk stated that they only take cash and I didn’t have that amount of money on me so she directed me to an atm machine a couple of blocks away. Greg stated that he would wait at the court house just in case they called our names. It seemed like that was the longest walk that I have ever taken. I started thinking; I could just run away and go home right now. I can just take the train back and call this whole thing off. But, what about my dream? What about the status of finally being married? What would I tell my family? This is not that bad Rebecca. Other women have endured much more than this. Suck it up, get that money, say I do and go one with living your life with the man you say you love. “That’s right! Shake it off!”

I returned with the money and our names were called soon after I paid. We enter the judge’s chamber and there an old feeble looking man with silver wisps on either side of his head, extends his hand to welcome us. I am immediately hit in the face with a whiff of what I know to be alcohol. Had he been drinking? Was this a warning sign? Is he telling me that the sacred institution that we are getting ready to embark upon is not even worth being sober for? We continued on with the preliminaries and before you know it we were husband and wife. How great is that? Less than ten minutes and I am now someone else! We arrived at the courthouse very early because we didn’t know how many people were going to be there. I am glad that we did because there was so many people waiting in line when we left the judge’s chambers that I know it would have been pretty much a three or four hour wait had we not. It was 11:30 am and I was ready to celebrate being a newlywed. My boss gave us a wedding gift in the form of staying at the crown plaza hotel downtown for the weekend. It was a spectacular hotel and I was impressed by its amazing class and elegant appeal. We walked up and down Michigan Avenue and did a little shopping before we retired at the hotel. At about 6:00 pm we arrived at our hotel room and it was breath taking. The view was wonderful and I started to become giddy. I hugged Greg and told him that I loved him. He said I love you as well but ended it with an, I am starving. We opted to order room service and I went to take my shower. As the water rolled off of me I thought about how our lives were going to be together. We had to rearrange the apartment to include things of his. Oh, the answering machine needed to be changed; he needs to fill out a change of address form if he hadn’t already, etc…, etc,…etc….

As I was coming out of the bathroom dinner was being delivered. We ate very fast because we wanted to get to the real festivities… SEX!!! As we started to kiss and move closer to the bed, he mentioned that he was so happy to finally be married to me and that he loved me. Now that got me extremely horney! EXTREMELY! I didn’t know how flexible I was until that night. If we didn’t know every area of each other’s body, we knew it then. How wonderful it felt to have sex after marriage because it felt legal. I didn't have to sneak around anymore and pretend that I was not doing it. I don’t know about you but that was the role that I had to play. I felt like the scripture “the two shall become one”. Oh, I felt like we were becoming one. After we made love I laid on Greg’s chest and he kissed my head and stated that he had to get home soon…"WHAT THE HELL???” PEOPLE...., you know when you are watching those movies and you hear the background music playing and all of a sudden someone says something and the music ends abruptly? WELL THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED! “You have to go home? You are married now…..to me?” “I know but I didn’t tell my mom about us getting married and you know how she is. I will come back in the morning after Church and come get you I promise.” “You Promise? What am I supposed to do while you are gone?” “Just enjoy yourself Rebecca. This is a great hotel room, just enjoy yourself.” When I come to get you tomorrow, then we can start our lives together. I do love you.” Greg scurries out of the bed, gets dressed, gives me a kiss on the lips, and walks right out of the door. I do not understand what I have just gotten into. Is this really happening? No, wait, where are the cameras. Am I being punked??? As I lay there with the sheets over my body, I start thinking about marriage. I just said for better or worse right? I didn’t know they meant right after you actually say the words “I do”. God, what do I do now? Just lay here I suppose. I clutch my ring again but this time not because of the dream coming true ……but because of the nightmare I think that I am having. Can someone please wake me up??????

FOR BETTER OR WORSE- Chapter 1

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 18:56:50 +0100

I don’t really know where to begin or how this part of my life happened but it has been an interesting ride. I heard on Oprah once that when she reads a book she can tell if it will be a good one by the very first sentence. Well, I wonder if life is actually like that, I didn’t say anything when I first came out. The doctor slapped me so that I could make my first cry and I was silent. I didn’t have anything to say nor cry about. I was blue and couldn’t breathe. I didn’t have the lungs of a rock star, nor did I utter the softest shout of femininity. I was just there, looking around entranced at my surroundings for however long I was going to be here to enjoy it. I don’t think I was sure that I wanted to be here.

It was weird putting faces and things that were outside of my mother’s womb to sounds that were familiar. I mean, I spent these first eight months of my transformation into being encased in someone whom they themselves detested being in the world. I felt her sadness and anger every day. I was fed off of the hemoglobin of her lack of self esteem. I slept within the very crevices of her unhappiness and I was what was produced from the reproductive organs of two teenagers who were not thrilled with their own existence. I see my mother’s distraught face as she wearily holds out her hands for me as if I am her newly found savior. I quickly hear another familiar voice, it was always so cold and deep but this time it had a tinge of excitement to it. It was who my mother told me was my father. He was elated obviously at my presence here but how long will that last. He wasn’t even sure that he wanted to even be here at the hospital at least that was the last conversation that I overheard. I guess there could be other things to look forward to but if there was I haven’t encountered them yet. What was I doing in the midst of all of this? I don’t think I want to be here……not now…..I don’t think I am ready for this. That is why I couldn’t breathe, I really didn’t want to.

The doctor and nurses quickly put their skills and education to use and assisted me in what would be my first introduction to breathing in this world. I guess for someone so small the choice of whether to live or die is not one that is given. No one thinks that we have a choice. If the doctor could have seen what was going on in my life even before I was born or had the foreknowledge of what I was to endure he would have allowed me the right to exercise my free will of not taking in the oxygen flow of life. That was many, many years ago and though I have given my lungs and heart every opportunity to support me I have just started to breathe life with an enlightened joy.

We have all had experiences in life where we go into various forms of apnea. I have encountered many along the way who have even yet to exhale. Though they have lived many years, they have seen the life around them, they have come in contact with an environment in which they were not prepared, they have been exposed to situations that they are not sure how to handle and they have literally stopped breathing. This was why I was supposed to be here, to share with others who are afraid to take that first breathe. To acknowledge that it is okay to endure things that are not familiar and may be uncomfortable. Some of those journeys, though painful, produce some amazing results and life lessons.

My name is Rebecca, an ordinary name, yes, but a story to tell none the less. Some of the experiences and thoughts that I am going to expose here, you may not agree with but hey, that is what life is all about right, Life and experiences. I just thought I would get some foundation set up front so that we have an understanding of what is to come. So let me get to writing.

As I stated before, my name Rebecca and I don’t talk a lot but when I do speak I definitely have something to say. I am thirty something(we will leave it at that for now), happily married with children, a wonderful career (finally), great and sometimes emotionally challenged family and friends, and can you believe just getting to enjoy this thing called life? I know crazy isn’t it? Anyway, I have sat here and decided that now is the time to speak up. I mean get a lot off of my chest. Thoughts, ideas, secrets, dreams, testimonies, etc… I decided today was the day. I didn’t want to hold anything back. I thought about this for quite awhile. Who would read this? What would people think? What controversy would I cause by being real? You know what….I DON’T CARE!! This is my life and I may actually help someone to be real with themselves as well. Heck, I may actually help someone BREATHE!! I have kept quiet long enough, time to shout from the roof tops. Let me start off by saying that life was really not “a crystal stair” but I can honestly admit that I helped to get the materials to build what my stairs were made out of.

I married at what I thought was too old, twenty six. Here I wanted to be married by at least twenty two because in my family a women being married after twenty five was considered too old. A freak of nature, or perhaps something was wrong with you. I had a family that had old, and might I add solid, values. As women we were taught that the man is the head of the household and that there was strength in submission. As children my siblings, cousins, and I were taught to be true ladies and gentlemen. It was imperative that we be polite, respectful, dressed a certain way, and most importantly that we revere and honor God. Church was at the forefront of EVERYTHING. Nothing else mattered, and if it did you were going to hell because of it. So, needless to say we were at the Church basically every time the doors opened. Everyone in my family (especially the women)were married or had children before they were twenty five and here I was at that age and not even close in the annual “who has a family” race. I can say that I was involved with someone, I mean I was in a long term relationship (four years) that was going nowhere FAST. As a matter of fact I did try to end it…

FOR BETTER OR WORSE-Introduction and Acknowledgement

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 18:32:20 +0100

Thank you all for taking the time to read my Book. I hope you enjoy every thought, character, and idea. I would like to take the time out to also thank the ALL MIGHTY GOD for allowing me the opportunity to express myself and be open to others. For loving me enough to allow me the experience of this present reality called life and to know you while being here. I want to also say thank you to an incredible man, my husband, who has been there for me and have gone through some of the things with me that I have experienced. I will love you always and forever. Just promise to always touch my hand (talk about love-whew)! To my children, I never knew God could give little packages of his love in life form but he did. That’s probably why I prayed and prayed to have you. He has truly Blessed me with a wonderful quiver of children. You are all beautiful and incredible and make life so worth living. To all of my family and friends. Thank you for helping to shape and make me who I am today. I love each and every one of you.

Twinkie R.